“Guilt, of course, is feeling bad about one’s actions, but shame is feeling bad about oneself.” - Greg Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart
Guilt and shame may be distinct emotions, but both have profound implications for our sense of self-worth and acceptance. These also have their own implications for our personal relationships with intimate partners and otherwise. Guilt and shame can come from societal and cultural norms, family dynamics, interpersonal relationships, traumatic experiences, institutionalized beliefs, and they can come from the media we consume. And they’re sticky. We can spend a lifetime trying to untangle our psyche from the things we do in the shadows and never succeed. Oh, for shame!
It’s Mastubation May and we’re Intimacy Coordinators! Of course we’re going to talk about how guilt and shame are intertwined with masturbation because of societal norms and cultural conditioning of sexuality… Many of us have learned to view any sexual desires or behaviors or curiosities outside of [this vanilla box] as shameful and sinful, and subsequently associating self-pleasure with guilt when we act on those desires. Worse, some of us never even explore what our desires might be.
In countless film and television scenes, we’ve seen masturbation as a source of embarrassment. Remember in literally any of the American Pie movies when Jim’s awkward attempts to cuff the carrot end in him getting hurt or getting caught or both? What about You, Me, and Dupree when Molly shames Carl for his fetish which she discovers in finding his hidden porn stash. She asks, “Is this what our marriage has come to? Lies…” You might’ve seen similar dynamics in Fleabag and Sex in the City. Which brings up the belief that some hold that if their partner masturbates, they’ve committed some form of betrayal. Amy and April describe this kind of behavior as controlling in this episode of Shameless Sex. Sounds to me like coveting your partner’s pleasure, and if I remember correctly, thou shall not covet. For shame! There are myriad possibilities for how our conditioning becomes ingrained in us, how conscious we are of it, and how it affects our relationship dynamics.
Fortunately for you and your bits, we seem to be in a Masturbation Renaissance with the positive impacts of masturbation on sexual health and overall well-being. Sex positive influencers like Emily Morse of Sex with Emily, and the initiatives from brands like B Condoms and Maude, are increasing the visibility of and access to sexual education. This shift towards stigmatization is carrying over to mainstream media as well with shows like Broad City and Euphoria depicting masturbation as a normal and healthy part of life. Shout out to the Intimacy Coordinators who create the safe conditions for these scenes! Most importantly, there are social media platforms, online communities, and in-person safe spaces designated for empowering individuals to share their experiences, seek support, and embrace - or even explore - their sexuality with compassion and self-acceptance.
Becoming intimate with yourself is beautiful and personal. It’s natural, and any guilt or shame we feel is not our own. Let’s celebrate Masturbation May by reclaiming ownership of our pleasure! Whether you are a survivor of trauma, a person with disabilities which may limit the pleasure your body can give or receive, or someone navigating the complexities of human sexuality, there is power in self-love.
